


Attack of the Horrible Space Goose

by kira_katrine



Category: Star Trek: Voyager, Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, geese in space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-01-31 13:09:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21446719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kira_katrine/pseuds/kira_katrine
Summary: There is a goose on board Voyager. No one knows how it got there, but its mission is clear: to cause as much chaos as possible.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31
Collections: Untitled Goose Exchange 2: 2 Goose 2 Furious





	Attack of the Horrible Space Goose

_ Goose’s Personal Log: Stardate 6005.3 _

_ HONK! HONK! HONK HONK HONK! _

_ ...Anyway. I have managed to get on board the spaceship, the one they call Voyager. The ship seems quite promising as an environment for chaos. I don’t think anybody has noticed me yet, but they will soon enough. They all will soon enough. _

_ I look forward to reporting the results of my time here to my fellow geese. I suspect at the end of it all, they will be quite impressed. _

_ To-Do List: _

_ 1\. Steal the leola root. _

The goose snuck into the mess hall. There weren’t too many people around, as lunch had not been served yet. She peered around the door of the kitchen and saw Neelix tossing ingredients into a stew.

“Now, let’s see,” Neelix said. “A pinch of Kellarian spice… hm, that doesn’t look like enough, I’ll add more. Then some marsh salamander toes for extra crunch… And of course, who could forget my star ingredient--the leola root!” He picked up a knife and got ready to start chopping the root--but it was gone.

“Huh, I could’ve sworn it was there…” He began searching the counters, looking in baskets, under the recipe book, behind jars of spices. It was nowhere to be found.

Then he heard a muffled “HONK!” from somewhere close to the ground. He looked down--and saw something he had certainly not expected to see in the kitchen.

It was a bird, with sharp claws and brightly colored feathers all along its wings, which it was flapping wildly in Neelix’s direction. A Talaxian _ ixil-meev. _Literally meaning “nuisance bird.” And it had his leola root in its beak.

“Hey! Give that back!” It didn’t seem to have any effect. The bird kept honking, then lunged at Neelix, sending him ducking for cover and knocking several jars over, where they shattered on the floor.

Neelix grabbed the nearest appropriately-shaped object, which happened to be a rolling pin, and started shaking it at the bird. “HONK!” it said, darting out of the kitchen, still clutching the leola root.

He supposed he’d have to revise his plans for lunch… It really just wouldn’t be the same as a nice leola root stew.

Meanwhile, once she was out of Neelix’s sight, the bright color faded out of the bird’s feathers as her appearance changed back to that of a white Earth goose. She shoved the leola root into a vent. Her first task had gone quite well… but this was only the beginning.

_ 2\. Distract engineering. _

Seven of Nine headed into engineering, her recently-updated list of efficiency improvements that needed to be made to the ship in hand.

“Did you hear about what happened with lunch today?” Ensign Jennings said to Ensign Roberts. Seven had not heard about what happened with lunch that day, and was not particularly interested. She did not typically consume meals with the rest of the crew, as she found the process of eating to be highly inefficient. But then Roberts said--

“Yeah, apparently some weird bird attacked Neelix and stole the leola root? Or that’s what I heard, anyway.”

It was almost certainly a rumor that had grown wildly out of hand, of course. Such things happened frequently on Voyager. Even so, if there was something happening to the ship’s food supplies, that could be important information for the senior staff to be aware of.

“Oh no. No leola root. What a crisis,” Jennings said. Roberts laughed at that, leading Seven to the conclusion that neither ensign believed that this was, in fact, a crisis.

“HONK!”

Seven looked in the direction the noise had come from. There, standing in the middle of the room, was a large white bird with an orange bill and webbed feet. A common domestic goose, she thought.

“HONK!” the goose said again, flapping its wings and running straight at a group of confused-looking junior officers. They screamed, scattering in every direction. One of them dropped an interlink sequencer, and the goose grabbed it, running deeper into engineering. “HONK! HONK!”

Seven’s eyes narrowed. This was almost certainly the same bird that had stolen the leola root at lunch. However it had gotten on board, it would surely cause complete mayhem if something was not done. It was interfering with the efficiency and order of the ship. That was unacceptable.

This goose had to be stopped.

_ 3\. Play a holonovel. _

“And, Miss Goodheart, with the power of the intergalactic stellar phenobulator, I will defeat that pathetic Captain Proton, and finally conquer the universe! Mwahahahaha!”

Tom and Harry burst into the evil Doctor Chaotica’s throne room. “That’s where you’re wrong!” Tom, dressed as Captain Proton, declared in a way he thought sounded heroic. “You will never win, Doctor Chaotica! I will stop you once and for all!” He looked over to where Constance Goodheart was supposed to be tied up to a chair, to reassure her that he would rescue her from the evil villain’s clutches.

...Except that there was no Constance Goodheart there. Instead, sitting in the chair was a large white goose. And instead of Constance’s characteristic high-pitched shriek, what came out of its mouth was--

“HONK!” honked the goose.

“Seriously?” said Harry. “First that thing comes into engineering and messes up everybody’s work--”

“And it stole the leola root, but didn’t think to steal the salamander toes, too,” said Tom.

“Honk?” the goose said in a questioning tone.

“Well, what are we supposed to do now?” Tom said. “I don’t want to rescue this goose.”

The goose hopped down from the chair, waddled a short distance away and sat down directly on the self-destruct button for Doctor Chaotica’s compound.

“One minute to self-destruct,” a robotic voice said. 

“What is this?” said Chaotica. “Cancel self-destruct.”

“HONK!” said the goose.

“Overruled,” said the computer. “Fifty seconds to self-destruct.”

“Run!” said Harry. The two Starfleet officers ran out of the room.

The goose sat down in her newfound seat and began preening her feathers. The holodeck safeties were still on, after all; it wasn’t as if any of them would actually be harmed in the explosion. And maybe this would teach that so-called “Doctor Chaotica” a lesson. There could only be one, after all.

_ 4\. Drink some coffee. _

Seven rang the chime to the captain’s ready room. “Come in,” Captain Janeway said.

“Captain, there appears to be a goose on board Voyager,” Seven said as she stepped inside, getting directly to the point.

Janeway looked puzzled. “A what?”

“A goose. A water fowl, native to Earth, member of the family Anatidae--”

“Yes, Seven, I know what a goose is. I just don’t understand how one could be on Voyager. We’re in space, after all, and not even anywhere near Earth.”

“I do not know either,” Seven said, “but I suspect this goose is not what it appears to be. When I saw it, it resembled a standard white goose. However, Ensign Vorik was also present when it was seen in engineering, and described what he saw as a brown speckled bird with a long tail. His description matches that of the _ itay _, a species native to Vulcan. And Neelix reported seeing a different type of bird entirely. Either multiple birds native to distant parts of the galaxy have managed to gain access to the ship, or this bird--if it even is a bird--can change its form in some way.”

Janeway got up from behind her desk and walked over to the window. “You might be right,” she said. “Since we’ve been out in the Delta Quadrant, we’ve run into a lot of entities that looked one way to some people, and different to others. Often, they were simply trying to communicate. Perhaps this one needs something from us, and thinks it can get it by appearing this way. Maybe it thinks we miss home so much, even a goose would be a welcome sight…”

There was a sloshing noise from behind them. Janeway and Seven turned to see that the goose had somehow gotten into the room, up onto the captain’s desk and was drinking from the large mug of coffee Janeway had left there.

“Oh, no you don’t!” said Janeway sternly. “This has gone too far!”

_ 5\. Disturb the bridge crew. _

The goose jumped down from the desk, flapping its wings, and ran out the door onto the bridge, with Janeway chasing after it and Seven following close behind.

“...Captain?” Chakotay asked, but she didn’t seem to hear him. The goose started honking loudly in Tuvok’s general direction. The Vulcan raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

_ Well, that was disappointing, _ the goose thought. There didn’t seem to be much to steal on the bridge either. She supposed she didn’t need to spend too long on this part.

With a few more parting “HONK!”s, the goose ran off the bridge.

_ 6\. Lead someone on a wild goose chase. _

The goose ran down the hall, Janeway and Seven following close behind.

“Computer, activate containment field,” Seven ordered. A forcefield sprang up around the goose. The goose turned and gave Seven and Janeway an exasperated look. Did they really think they could stop her this easily? She supposed she might as well let them know what they were dealing with.

“So,” the goose said, “you’ve caught me, I suppose.”

“You can talk?” said Janeway.

“Of course I can talk,” said the goose.

“So tell me, then,” Janeway said. “What are you? How did you get on board my ship, and why are you tormenting my crew?”

“I am a goose, Kathryn Janeway,” the goose said.

“Explain,” said Seven.

“Once, many, many years ago, aliens attempted to abduct a flock of geese for study. However, those geese--my ancestors--proved stronger and cleverer than they, and were able to take control of their ship. After realizing there was a whole galaxy’s worth of life forms out there to torment, they chose not to return to Earth. Later on their journey, they encountered an anomaly in space which gave them incredible powers. These powers developed over time, and were passed on to their descendants. We can now communicate with other life-forms, can fly in space even without a ship, and can appear to other life forms as something other than that which we are. However, I generally prefer my original goose form. There can be no truer agent of chaos, and that is what all of my people strive to be.”

"But why?" Janeway asked.

"Perhaps they are the inverse of the Borg, in a sense," Seven said. "The Borg seek to assimilate others into their vision of perfection, of ultimate order. The geese seek to bring to life their vision of perfection as well, but theirs is ultimate chaos. And they, too, are remarkably efficient in doing so." She would never agree with the goose's view of the world, but she found she was starting to have an odd respect for it.

"Well, regardless, they can't do that on Voyager," said Janeway. "Not on my watch. We're getting rid of it--"

"No need," the goose said. "I have finished my tasks here. I am ready to move on to my next mission." The goose began to fade out of sight.

"Wait," said Janeway. "The goose said they were brought here from Earth. When was that? How did they get here--and where did those aliens come from in the first place? Did they come from out here? Did they know how to get all the way to--"

But the goose was gone.

  
  
  



End file.
